Many aspects of our physical health require regular maintenance—our teeth need cleanings, our muscles need regular workouts, etc. The state of our emotional health, especially our chief relationship, is no exception. Enter the “relationship audit,” a check-in to evaluate your relationship’s strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement. Basically, a progress report about where your relationship currently stands. Mind you, this isn’t just for new couples; people who have been married for 30 years can benefit from these talks as much as people who just started dating.
“The idea of a relationship audit is really important because sometimes we avoid dealing with problems and hope they go away,” says Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist. As we all know, problems don’t tend to magically go away.
Relationship audits don’t need to be overly complicated. All you have to do is schedule a time for you and your partner to talk to each other about what’s working and what’s not. We understand that this may sound daunting for those who don’t consider communication their strong suit, but these discussions should get easier—and less awkward—the more you have them. “If you don’t address problems in a relationship, some of these issues can snowball,” explains Susan Albers, PsyD, a psychiatrist and psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic.
Here, experts explain how to ease the tension during a relationship audit and share tips to ensure these meetings strengthen your connection with your partner.
How to Start a Relationship Audit
First, both you and your partner need to be relaxed—or, at the very least, not in a rush. As Albers says, “timing is everything.”
Pick a time that works for both of your schedules. Ideally, this should be followed by a relaxing activity rather than a stressful event. If you’re anxious about an upcoming work meeting, for example, you might find it difficult to engage in a constructive conversation with your partner.
Your initial instinct may be to sit across from each other and dive into discussion, but consider a more relaxed approach. “Engaging in an activity where you’re side-by-side can make the conversation feel less confrontational,” suggests Le Goy. For example, going for a walk in your neighborhood or sharing a meal on the couch could facilitate a more open dialogue.
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You don’t necessarily need to prepare extensively. However, if focusing during important conversations is challenging for you, jotting down bullet points of topics to cover can be beneficial. This ensures you stay on track without reading lengthy notes aloud.
What Should You Talk About?
Starting with the positives can set a more conducive atmosphere for the conversation. Share what you appreciate about the relationship and encourage your partner to do the same. For example, if you’ve enjoyed the dates your partner has organized, let them know. Initiating the dialogue on a positive note can prevent defensiveness.
While it’s important to discuss the aspects that are going well, don’t shy away from acknowledging the areas that may require improvement. “The two hardest topics for couples to discuss are finances and sex,” Albers notes. Although uncomfortable, these subjects are essential to include in your audit.
Here are five guiding questions to kickstart your discussion:
- When do we work well as a team? Reflect on the areas where you and your partner excel, and brainstorm ways to replicate that teamwork in areas needing improvement.
- Are we communicating well? Assess whether both partners feel heard and consider the effectiveness of your communication styles.
- What concerns do you have about our relationship? This is your opportunity to address any unease you might feel about the pace of your relationship or whether your partner is meeting your needs.
- What’s the next step for us? Make sure you’re aligned regarding future milestones, whether moving in together or starting a family.
- What needs to change? After discussing the pros and cons, identify actionable steps to address the highlighted issues.
It’s normal for these discussions to feel awkward initially. However, incorporating humor can help lighten the atmosphere when appropriate. “Having a sense of humor is important,” suggests Albers.
How Often Should I Do This?
The frequency of relationship audits varies among couples. Some may benefit from weekly check-ins, while others might find quarterly meetings sufficient. Couples with busy schedules may need to meet more regularly than those who share more time together, as increased interaction typically reduces the amount needing to be addressed.
If you’re apprehensive, rest assured that while these talks may feel uncomfortable at first, they ultimately promote deeper intimacy and understanding within your relationship.
